


Where Did I Go Wrong? (I Lost A Friend)

by hemakeshimstrongx



Series: The Song Fic Series [9]
Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction, The Fray - Fandom
Genre: Angry!Louis, Explicit Language, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, No smut., SO SORRY, Sad!Louis, cursing, it's Louis so ofc language, larry is real, larry stylinson - Freeform, sad so sad, sad!harry, too lazy and tired to keep tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 02:51:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5147573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemakeshimstrongx/pseuds/hemakeshimstrongx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis lose their daughter and almost lose each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Did I Go Wrong? (I Lost A Friend)

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS SAD IM SORRY. MEREDITH SOBBED. I FEEL LIKE IT HAD TO BE DONE.

If there's one thing Sierra May Tomlinson was, it's a fighter. She never, ever wanted to give up, no matter what she was doing. She wouldn't stop until she scored a goal for the footie team, wouldn't stop until she was the sole winner of the race, wouldn't stop until she'd made every single person in the room fall head over heels in love with her. 

 

That's what happened when Harry and Louis met her. She was 2 when they'd finally finalized the adoption, she didn't even know that she was making them fall oh, so in love with her. She was beautiful and they had to take her home and make her their own, so they did. 

Sierra May Tomlinson was diagnosed with leukemia when she was four, and fought until she was only six. It was only February twenty second. Louis and Harry promised Sierra that she would make it to her seventh birthday. She didn't. 

And, after Louis thought long and hard about it, she probably only let go because he and Harry were telling her that it was okay to. Nothing was working, you see. No Chemotherapy or anticancer drugs or even targeted therapy worked. The leukemia always came back. She fought so, so hard, but it was never good enough. 

So when Harry and Louis held their small and fragile Sierra in their arms that morning, putting away all tensions between the two of them (because this whole situation had undeniably put a strain on the relationship), they made sure that she knew it was okay. Louis was pretty sure the only thing he'll hear in his mind for the rest of his life is Harry's broken voice saying, "it's okay, Sierra. You can let go now, my love. Daddy and I will be okay. You can let go." Yes, definitely, those words will be on a constant loop. 

Louis and Harry broke two promises to their lovely angel of a daughter. The first was that she'd make it to her seventh birthday on July seventh. The second was the one that Harry kept promising, over and over and over again. Daddy and I will be okay. 

 

They weren't okay, not in the years leading up to Sierra's passing, not even now, in the days after. In fact, their entire relationship has crumbled, really. Communication has only happened in regards to Sierra's funeral service. 

Too many dark and dreary questions for such a bright and happy girl, Louis has said it a thousand times. 

// step one you say 'we need to talk', he walks, you say 'sit down its just a talk.' he smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through. // 

Harry is the one delivering the eulogy. Louis will find the time to say a little something later, they'd decided. 

"On behalf of our family, I'd like to thank all of you for coming out here today. Sierra would have loved all of the attention. She was never shy, she always wanted the spotlight on her. When Lou started teaching Sierra how to play piano, she would show anyone and everyone the different songs she could play. I can't even recount all the times she stayed up past her bed time practicing, there's too many. But that's what we were used to, that's what it was like at home. 

If there was one thing Sierra always wanted to do, it was make other people happy. Whenever anyone was sad, she'd try to tell them a story or even a joke to make them feel better. She got that funny side from Louis, I think. She must have inhereted his sense of humour one way or another. She idolized you, Lou, she loved you with everything that she had." 

Louis promised himself he wouldn't cry. And, yet, here he is sitting in the front pew in a nice tux watching his possibly soon-to-be ex husband deliver a heartbreaking eulogy and now a mess of tears. He has no idea what Harry'd written up. 

"I've been to a lot of funerals, but none of the people had been younger than forty, you should know. They were the old people, as Sierra not-so-sensitively referred to those older than her. Being here for such a young and beautiful life is something I never thought I'd have to encounter, let alone for my own daughter," he chokes out, taking a deep breath. "Sierra was so, so beautiful, and such a little fighter. She was our little fighter, that's what we always told her. She fought up until we told her it was okay if she couldn't do it any longer. It hurts to know that we won't be able to watch her grow up. We won't get to see her off to her first day at secondary, won't get to see her to her first prom or meet her first boyfriend - or girlfriend, I mean, we'll never know either way. We'll never get to walk her down the isle or," Harry pauses, exhaling shakily. "Meet her child. And that will hurt forever. It'll hurt every person in this room as much as it'll hurt Louis and I. But the fact that she isn't hurting anymore... somehow makes all of our pain and suffering worth it." 

// some sort of window to your right, as he goes left and you stay right // 

"Haz," Louis stops Harry as they exit the building. "You spoke wonderfully, babe-" 

"Don't babe me," Harry snaps. 

Louis sighs. "Are we still going to your mum's?" 

"Yes. And... you're gonna have to drive." 

Louis holds his hand out for the keys. "Give them here," he says quietly. Harry drops the keys into Louis' palm. "Are you okay?" 

"No, I'm not fucking okay." 

\- - 

After a stop at the cemetery where more tears are shed than words are spoken, everybody heads to Anne's house for food and drinks. They're trying to make this a celebration for the life of Sierra May Tomlinson, since she would want it that way. Eight year old Sierra never wanted anything sad. So this party is an attempt at not-sad. It'll probably be sad anyway. 

The first thing Harry does when he gets to his mother's house is go for a beer. Anne embraces Louis. "How're you doing?" she asks softly. 

Louis draws back, exhaling a shaky breath. "I'm worried about Harry." 

Anne smiles sadly. "I am too, love. But if you're worrying about him, who's worrying about you?" 

"I'm fine." Louis says automatically. 

"You're not fine. Your daughter just passed away after a lengthy battle with leukemia, you're not okay." 

"Well, when you say it like that..." 

"Talk to somebody, Louis." 

"See, I can't. Nobody else knows what I'm going through except harry, and he doesn't even want to talk to me." 

Anne squeezes Louis' shoulder affectionately. "You can talk to me, if you have to. I'm always here." 

"Thank you." Louis smiles gratefully at her. "I'm gonna go try to find Haz." 

He finds Harry in the den off the kitchen, alone in the corner. "Hey, love," he says softly, standing next to Harry. 

"'m gonna stay at a hotel," Harry says in reply. "You can stay at home." 

"What makes you think I'll be able to stay at home? I'll come with-" 

"No. You can't come with me." 

"Harry-" 

"No, Louis. Don't try to argue it, please. I need... time. Okay? Time. I don't have anybody. Don't do this because you feel pity or something." 

"Harry this isn't pity, I'm going through the same fucking thing-" 

"What is it then?"

"I love you and I love our daughter that we just lost!" Louis tries, he really does, not to raise his voice. 

"The same love that you've had the past few years?" 

"Harry, I-I don't know what happened to us," Louis starts slowly. "But I do know that I still love you, the same way I loved you when I first met you." 

"You have a funny way of showing it. That's fucking bullshit and you know it, Louis." 

Louis can't even argue. What even is this conversation. Seriously. He doesn't know where it went wrong. Sierra got sick. They started falling apart shortly before Louis' twenty fifth birthday. It was complete shit by his twenty sixth. 

// between the lines of fear and blame, as you begin to wonder why you came // 

Anne has a picture of Sierra sitting on her mantle. Quite a few, actually, as do Harry and Louis. The one Louis is staring at now is one of his personal favourites, although he loves any photo of Sierra that there is. She's standing in front of their house in her Halloween costume - she was Ariel, her favourite Disney princess. This was two years ago, so Sierra was four. Louis was twenty four. Things were already headed downhill between Harry and Louis, but they always pulled it together in the name of Sierra May Tomlinson. 

Louis is staring at this picture now, and the Halloween comes flooding back. "What're you looking at?" Lottie asks suddenly. 

"This picture of Sierra. Where's your fiance?" 

"Stop spinning the topic, Louis. Why are you staring at that picture of Sierra?" 

"She was very photogenic." 

Lottie folds her arms over her chest. "I know. She was beautiful. Can't believe her mother didn't want her." 

"It's not that she didn't want her, Lots. She couldn't take care of her. But we could. For a while." 

"It's not your fault," Lottie whispers. Louis didn't even hear her, so he hums for her to repeat. "I said it wasn't your fault. Not yours or Harry's. That she got sick. Or that she died." 

Louis exhales shakily. 

"Speaking of where spouses are, where's Harry?" 

"I dunno. We're..." Louis shakes his head. "I don't know." 

"Do you remember that time you left Sierra with us so you and Harry could go up North?" 

// Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the  bitterness.  // 

Louis nods. He vividly remembers that trip. It was the first time they'd left Sierra after bringing her home. She had just turned three a few months prior, and Louis was turning twenty four in a few months. This was some kind of... celebration, maybe. The leaves were just starting to change. 

Louis reaches for a picture on the mantle, shoved behind all the others. Harry put it there. It's a picture of him that Louis took on that trip up north. He's sitting on the hood of their car with his hair in his face and a sweatshirt falling over his shoulders. Louis loves the picture. Anne does too, that's why it's framed. Harry hates it. 

"Yeah, I remember." Louis nods, staring at the picture. 

"You guys were happy then." 

"That was before Sierra got sick, Lottie." 

"When was the last time you guys had sex?" she asks blatantly. Louis chokes on his beer, and Lottie asks. "When, Louis?" 

"Um.... I can't even remember. We've been so busy with Sierra and everything..." 

"More than a year?" 

"I guess?" 

"Shit," she exhales. "Maybe that could help." 

"No. He wouldn't want it. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Just how it's supposed to be, I guess." 

\-- 

// and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.//  
FOURTEEN DAYS POST-SIERRA. 

The door to Sierra's room has remained shut. Her toys downstairs have remained untouched. Louis ignores them, because he really can't look at them. He can't believe harry fucking left him here. He hasn't even heard from Harry. He hasn't answered any texts. 

It's been a week since the funeral and the day at Anne's house. Today is the day Louis is going to check on Harry. 

He just straight up asks for the hotel key at the desk, because he knows Harry won't answer the door. 

The first thing Louis notices is the smell of alcohol. Definitely alcohol. Harry is sitting on the floor near the balcony, back against the wall. If he's showered, it's been scarce. Louis hates seeing him like this. They're supposed to go through this together, they're supposed to grieve together. 

Harry doesn't say anything, just stares at Louis. Louis sighs. Harry needs to shower. He needs to get his shit together and has to clean up his act so they can get through this. 

Louis somehow figures out how to turn on these disgusting hotel showers and comes back out into the bedroom, standing in front of Harry. "Get up, H." 

Harry doesn't move. 

"I said get up. Go get in the shower. Now, Harry." 

Harry raises an eyebrow, defiant. He's never like this. Ever. Defiance has always been more of a Louis-being-a-dick-move than a Harry one. Frustrated, Louis grabs Harry by the arm and hauls him to his feet. "Let's go." 

"No." 

So, Louis does what Louis does best. Controls him, practically manhandles Harry until he's under the stream of water, still in all his clothes. 

"Shower." he orders sternly. "Now." 

He leaves Harry there, pouting under the weak stream of water. He opens the balcony doors to let some air in and cleans up some of the empty alcohol bottles. Judging by how easy it was for him to lift Harry up, and despite all the struggle Harry put into it, manhandle him to the shower, Harry must not be getting the proper food. He seems to have lost way too much weight for the seven days he was kind of MIA. Louis notes this and grabs the little pad and paper from the desk. 

'I am coming back. Don't think for a second I'm not. I'm getting food and coming right back. Don't try anything, Harry, I swear to god.' 

He goes to leave the note, but then hesitantly adds one last line. 'Think of what Sierra would say if she saw how you were right now.' 

// Let him know that you know best, cause after all you do know best.  // 

Louis takes from the dinner buffet leftovers and heads back upstairs quickly. 

Harry is standing over the desk, wearing only sweats with his hair wet. He's staring at the note. "Please leave, Louis," he says as the door shuts. 

"No." 

Louis realises now that Harry's crying. Okay. He can do this. "Louis, please. Leave." Harry begs. 

Louis takes a few steps closer. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Harry tugs a hand through his hair roughly, so Louis grabs him by the wrists so he can't do it any longer. It's a habit Harry's always had. "Let go," Harry sobs, beginning to struggle against Louis. "I fucking hate you, so much. Let go of me, Louis. Go away." 

Louis is sobbing now too. He subdues Harry the only way he can think to, pressing him to the wall. It takes force, but now Harry's back is pressed to the wall and they're pressed together in the least sexual way they've ever been pressed before. 

"I hate you," Harry spits through his tears. "I hate you so fucking much. Why can't you leave me alone? Fucking go." 

// try to slip past his defence without granting innocence // 

"I'm not going anywhere, Harry!" Louis shouts, pressing him firmly to the wall. "You're not the only one who lost a daughter, Harry. She was my daughter too. She has my fucking last name! Sierra May Tomlinson! You don't get to shut down and do this, Harry. You don't get to shut me out. You're not the only one who has suffered a loss! I lost Sierra and I'm not fucking losing you to. Get your shit together and fucking come home, Harry." 

Harry cries even harder at Louis' words. 

//lay down a list of what is wrong, things you've told him all along // 

"I haven't been able to do anything with her stuff, Harry. And I don't know if it's because I can't face the fact that she's gone or because I can't face the fact that you might be gone too! She's gone, Haz. She's not coming back. We got her and we lost her. And that is the worst thing that's ever going to happen to us. We're never gonna get to tell embarrassing stories about her growing up to her first boyfriend, or girlfriend, whichever it would've been. We'll never get to take pictures of her before prom or even walk her down the isle on her wedding day," Louis' words get caught in his throat. "It's the most painful thing in the world, Harry. We lost her." 

// Pray to god he hears you, I pray to god he hears you // 

Harry goes to say something, but Louis cuts him off, finally releasing his grip. "We lost her and I don't know if we'll ever be the same. We thought we had her forever, Harry. But we don't. She got taken from us and that is the most unfair thing. I lost Sierra but I cannot lose you too, Harry. I can't go through that. I don't know what happened to us, but I'm not ready to let go. We're not leaving this hotel room until we figure it out." 

"Make me forget," Harry whimpers. "I want you to make me forget." 

"We can't for—"

"Make. Me. Forget." Harry repeats. 

And, oh. For the first time in an eternity, Harry presses his lips to Louis'. 

// Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. // 

Harry wants to forget, Louis wants to remember. Part of him wants to forget and the other part wants to remember, really. He wants to remember Sierra and her giggle and the way she would wake Harry and Louis up in the morning. He wants to remember the way Harry's lips feel on his own and the way his skin is so soft. Another part of him wants to forget. Wants to forget that Sierra was ever a part of their lives, forget about Harry's kiss and laugh. 

Harry clearly just wants to forget. 

"We can't change it," Louis whispers at one point. Harry just replies with a 'I want to forget.' 

\-- 

// and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life // 

Starvation is the first thing Louis keys into. He's starving. So he gets dressed and prays for some type of food in the mini fridge. 

He's searching when Harry calls his name. "What're you doing?" he asks sleepily. 

"M hungry. Do you want something?" 

"Wanted to make sure you weren't leaving." 

"I'm not going anywhere, Harry." 

Harry flops back down against the mattress, face buried in the pillow. "Harry..." Louis starts slowly, taking a package of M&Ms back to the bed. "Why did you say you hated me?" 

Harry doesn't say anything. 

"You know it's not my fault she died. And it's not your fault, either. But if that's why you're hating me..." He shakes his head and tears into the package. "That's not fair to me. What you're doing isn't fair. We just had sex for the first time in literally forever and it was only because you want to forget everything that happened. You don't get to do this, H." 

Harry gets up then, throwing the sheets off and going right for the bathroom, stopping to pick up a pair of boxers from the floor. Louis sighs, sitting back against the pillows. 

// as he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice. // 

"Do you remember that one night I woke up and you weren't in bed? So I went looking for you and I found you in the kitchen with Sierra and you were fucking baking. It was like one in the morning and you guys were baking. And when I asked what you were doing and your reply was that Sierra couldn't sleep, and she wanted to bake."

"I don't want to talk about her," Harry says from inside the bathroom. 

// drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you've followed.  //  
SIXTEEN DAYS POST-SIERRA. 

"I thought you quit smoking," Harry says, leaning against the doorframe. 

"I did. And then Sierra died." 

Harry winces. "When are you going home?"

"Have we figured out where we went wrong?" 

"No." 

"Then, I don't know when I'm going home." Louis says simply, putting out the cigarette. 

"Maybe it's not meant to be fixed." 

"That's bullshit and you know it, Haz." 

// he will do one of two things, he will admit to everything // 

"Can't you just fucking leave?" Harry begs, exasperated.

"No, Harry. You're unjustly angry at me." Louis says. He's being quite hypocritical, because he's angry right back. Yelling when he shouldn't be. 

"I wasn't the one who killed Sierra, H. The cancer did. I didn't take her away from us."

// or he'll say he's just not the same, and you'll begin to wonder why you came. //

"Louis—"

"What you're doing isn't fair. We're supposed to go through this together, as a couple, as a fucking family. Yes, we lost our daughter. And I'm just as heartbroken as you are. We're the only two people who know what this feels like, we're the only ones who truly understand. We lost our daughter, H. And I don't want to lose you too." 

// where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness // 

"I-I don't know," Harry admits brokenly, shaking his head. "I don't know what... I don't." 

Louis closes the sliding glass door behind him. "Figure it out, Harry. Please. This isn't fair." 

\- - 

"What is that?" Harry asks sleepily, running a hand through his hair as he sits up in the bed. 

"You're finally awake," Louis notes. "It's basically time to go to sleep."

Harry watches Louis open a box of pizza. "Pizza?" He questions, just for clarification. 

"Dominos." 

"That was her favourite," Harry murmurs, looking down at his hands. 

"Oh, shit, Haz, I didn't think you knew about that—"

"You don't think she told me about the nights you've ordered pizza together?" Harry smiles a little, for the first time in days, hell, maybe weeks. "The nights I wasn't home to cook a decent meal so you ordered dominos, or the nights you took at the hospital and couldn't stand the shitty food so you ordered dominos. She told me, Lou. Told me everything."

Louis swallows hard, closing the pizza box without taking out a slice. "Everything?" 

Harry nods. "Everything. How you barely ever slept at the hospital, and you told her it's because I wasn't there. She said that you told her how we met, over and over again, because she preferred it more than any other princess story you could've told her." 

"Haz..." 

"I don't want to forget her, Louis," Harry chokes out. 

Louis lets out a sob, immediately coming over to the bed, letting Harry wrap his arms around his neck. "I don't want to forget her," he says again, breath hot against Louis' neck. 

Louis can feel the tears start to hit his skin, hot and wet as they slide down his neck. 

"It's okay, baby," he whispers soothingly, rubbing Harry's back. "We won't forget her, okay? We'll remember." 

"I want her back," Harry sobs. "I don't want any of this, I want it all back, I want Sierra back. I miss her so much, like literally all the time. There's this gaping hole in my chest, I miss her. I miss Sierra and I miss you, Lou." 

// and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life. // 

They stay like that for a long time, tangled together and crying in the Center of the bed. The pizza goes cold, night rolls in. Tears dry, sobs fade. 

"Louis," Harry finally whispers. "I'm sorry." 

"Sorry for what, love?" 

"Being a dick. All the time, I was a dick to you. Ever since Sierra got sick we fell apart. And, I... I don't know why. Maybe it's because we were so preoccupied with her that we forgot each other, or maybe I was mad about what happened... I know that's what happened the past few days. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You're right, you lost a daughter too. You needed me." 

"We all grieve in our own ways, my love." 

"I wanna go home," Harry decides, pulling his face out of Louis' neck. "Let's go home." 

"Now?" 

"Right now." 

\--

It's not as painful for Louis as it is for Harry. Louis was home for a while before leaving for Harry at the hotel, but Harry hasn't been home. 

"It's actually relatively clean," Harry breathes out. 

Louis chuckles, closing the front door. "Yeah, right?"

"You left," Harry stops in front of the dining room table. "You left her placemat here." he says, putting a finger on it. 

"I couldn't move it. All her stuff is still here." 

"Have you gone in her room?" 

Louis shakes his head. "Let's go?" he suggests. 

They don't say anything until Louis opens the door. The purple-painted room is exactly the same, cancer medications sitting on a shelf beside books. Toys around the floor, posters of iconic bands and singers that Harry and Louis had influenced Sierra with on the walls. 

"She liked The Fray more than she liked Nirvana, babe," Louis states. 

"I'm sure if you keep telling yourself that..." Harry murmurs, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You know the reason she never made her bed was because you conditioned her to be that way, right?" 

"Why make it if we're gonna get back in it?" 

"That's like asking why change the sheets after we have sex if we're just going to have sex again?"

Louis laughs, wiping his cheeks. "Will we ever be the same?" he asks lowly, opening the curtains. 

"We'll figure it out." 

"She'd want us to try again. Adopt." 

Harry nods. "I know she would. She would want us to be happy. Can you believe that? She was so young and she wanted other people to have the world."

"She was like that because of you," Louis says, turning around to face Harry. "You taught her to be like that." 

"Oh, please. It was both—"

"Nah. I'm a douche. I don't care about other people. I work too much and I'm rude to people. But you... you aren't like that at all. Your mum raised you so well, babe, and every bit of you rubbed off on her. You're nice to everyone and don't know how to hurt feelings and she was the same way. She would've been just like you, Haz." 

"You do too care about other people." Harry sniffles. 

Louis puts a hand on Harry's cheeks. "I care about you. I love you. And Sierra. And she's gone now but that's okay, we won't forget her. Ever." 

"I love you," Harry murmurs, resting his forehead against Louis'. "And I know it's not your fault she died, I was being the douche for once." 

"So you admit it, then? I am the douche." Louis teases, licking his lips. 

"You're usually the douche. But Sierra loved you. So much. When she talked to me about you, she talked about you like you hung the moon and the stars. She loved you so much. You underestimate the affect you had on her. You think it was me... but, God, it was as much me as it was you. Between the two of us, she could've taken on the world. She was gonna grow up so beautifully." 

"I love you so much, Hazza, so much. We're gonna get through this, alright?" 

Harry nods, kissing Louis' lips gently. "Yeah. We're gonna get through it." 

{A year later Harry and Louis adopt Addison Sierra Tomlinson and explain where she got her middle name. A short six months after that Jacob Edward Tomlinson comes in. They tell Jake about Sierra too. Cameron William Tomlinson gets told, Isabella Sierra Tomlinson takes the same middle name as Addison as per Addison's request. Harry and Louis tell everyone about Sierra. They have her picture sitting on the mantle beside the other kid's photos. Sierra May Tomlinson is gone, as Louis pointed out many times, but, as he promised Harry, she's never been forgotten.}


End file.
